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A Chinese article that can make a stone cry – 永失我爱 (17)

Posted by Grace Feng on March 3, 2012

A Chinese article that can make a stone cry – 永失我爱 (17)This article was first posted on a Chinese forum 网易(wǎng yì) by writer “春儿(chūn r)” some years ago. It was so touching and well written that people started to share it across the web.

The original article is about 10824 character long. I’ll post them in a series of posts with pinyin annotation and my own English translation. An online radio recording by 晓风(xiǎo fēng) from www.1ting.com is also placed at the beginning of each post. Please be aware that the recording has slight changes in wording here and there compared to the original article. The recording has been split into smaller parts to align with the length of each post.

Feel free to drop your comments along your reading. If you have questions, I’ll try my best to respond within 24 hours.

 

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yǒng shī wǒ ài

永失我爱 (17)

My Love Lost Forever

 

chūn r

春儿

 

wǒ zhōngyú bēngkuì le。 wǒ cháng zhème dà dìyīcì yūndǎo le。

我终于崩溃了。我长这么大第一次晕倒了。

I finally collapsed. I passed out for the very first time in my lifetime.

 

dāng wǒ xǐnglái shí, chòu chòu yǐ bèi dǎ le āndìng zhēn, hūnshuì guòqu le。

当我醒来时,臭臭已被打了安定针,昏睡过去了。

When I woke up, Chou Chou had been given depressant needle and felt into sleep.

 

zài yīyuàn de rìzi shì méiyǒu jìyì de rìzi, wǒ xiànzài réngrán xiǎng bù qǐlai。 bù zhīdào wèishénme。

在医院的日子是没有记忆的日子,我现在仍然想不起来。不知道为什么。

There were no memories in the following days in hospital, I still can not recall those blank days even now. I don’t know why.

 

wǒ xiànzài zhǐ jìde chòu chòu zuǒ yǎnjing shàng nà yīkuài bái de cìyǎn de shābù, háiyǒu tā zài bìngfáng zǒuláng lǐ

我现在只记得臭臭左眼睛上那一块白的刺眼的纱布,还有他在病房走廊里

qí zhe tā de xiǎoqìchē de xiǎoxiǎo shēnyǐng hé tā qīngcuì de xiàoshēng。

骑着他的小汽车的小小身影和他清脆的笑声。

I can only recall the big white patch on Chou Chou’s eye, his little figure riding on his toy car in the hospital, and his clear laughters.

 

háizi yǒngyuǎn shì háizi。 dāng tā bù tòng de shíhou, tā jiù huānxiào, tā hái méiyǒu bēishāng de gàiniàn。

孩子永远是孩子。当他不痛的时候,他就欢笑,他还没有悲伤的概念。

Child is a child , when he’s not in pain, he smiled, he hadn’t had the concept of sadness.

 

wǒ céng chángshì guò bìshang wǒ de zuǒ yǎn, xiǎng kànkan chòu chòu néng kàn dào de shìjiè。

我曾尝试过闭上我的左眼,想看看臭臭能看到的世界。

I ever tried to cover my left eye, just wanted to see what Chou Chou can see with one eye.

 

dāng wǒ kàn dào hòu wǒ gǎndào hěn bēi’āi。 tā chángcháng yòng tā nà jǐn cún de yòu yǎn xìnlài de kàn zhe wǒ.

当我看到后我感到很悲哀。他常常用他那仅存的右眼信赖的看着我.

When I saw it, I felt sad. He used to look at me with his right eye in full trust.

 

nàshi yī zhǐ qīngchè rú quánshuǐ bān de yǎnjing。 yǎnjing lǐ liúlùchū de xìnrèn ràng wǒ bēishāng。

那是一只清澈如泉水般的眼睛。眼睛里流露出的信任让我悲伤。

That was an eye as clear as the fountain water. The trust that expressed from his eye made me sad.

 

wǒ shì cuìruò de。 wǒ cónglái jiù méi gǎn kàn wǒ háizi nà zuòwán shǒushù de zuǒ yǎn。

我是脆弱的。我从来就没敢看我孩子那做完手术的左眼。

I was not brave enough. I never tried to look into my child’s left eye after the operation.

 

wǒ pà, wǒ zhēn de hěn pà。 měicì dài háizi qù huàn yào de shíhou, wǒ zǒngshì bù gǎn jìnqù。

我怕,我真的很怕。每次带孩子去换药的时候,我总是不敢进去。

I was scared, I was scared to death. Everytime I took my child to change patch, I dared not to stay inside.

 

wǒ duǒ dàoliǎo yǎnkē zǒuláng。 dàn wǒ háishi néng tīngdào chòu chòu kuáng hǎn wǒ:“ māma! māma!” de shēngyīn。

我躲到了眼科走廊。但我还是能听到臭臭狂喊我:“妈妈!妈妈!”的声音。

I hided in the aisle of Department of Ophthalmology . But I still could hear the desperate shouting from Chou Chou:”Mommy! Mommy!”

 

wǒ duǒ dào diàntī lǐ, suí diàntī shàng shàngxià xià, wǒ yònglì wǔzhù zìjǐ de ěrduo, dàn chòu chòu de jiàoshēng réng

我躲到电梯里,随电梯上上下下,我用力捂住自己的耳朵,但臭臭的叫声仍

néng tīngdào。

能听到。

I hided in the elevator, went up and down with the elevator. I covered my ears as hard as I could, but Chou Chou’s voice still came in.

 

nà wúnài de hǎn māma shēng piāodàng zài yīyuàn de měiyī gè jiǎoluò。 huīzhībùqù ā。

那无奈的喊妈妈声飘荡在医院的每一个角落。挥之不去啊。

That desperate calling-Mommy-voice echoed at every corner of the hospital, never died down.

 

shìde, wǒ táo bù diào。 yǒngyuǎn yě táo bù diào。

是的,我逃不掉。永远也逃不掉。

Yes, I can’t escape, never could.

 

měicì, wǒ bào zhe huàn wán yào zhēngzhá de méi lìqi le de chòu chòu, bào qǐ mǎnmiàn lèihén dàn réng zài gěngyè de chòu

每次,我抱着换完药挣扎的没力气了的臭臭,抱起满面泪痕但仍在哽咽的臭

chòu, bào qǐ xiàng wǒ pū guòlái ràng wǒ bǎohù de chòu chòu de shíhou。

臭,抱起向我扑过来让我保护的臭臭的时候,…

Each time, when I hold the exhausted Chou Chou after patch change, the teary-faced Chou Chou, the Chou Chou that rushed to me for protection, …

 

wǒ de xīn bùshì yòng yī gè“ tòng” zì jiù néng miáoshù de…… wǒ wèn cāngtiān: zhè yīqiè dōu shì wèishénme ā !

我的心不是用一个“痛”字就能描述的……我问苍天:这一切都是为什么啊!

cāngtiān wúyǔ。

苍天无语。

my heart was not simply “painful” … I ask heaven, why? what all this is about? Heaven didn’t answer.

 

zài tā zuòwán shǒushù hòu。 yīshēng gàosu wǒ chòu chòu hái néng huó bànnián。

在他做完手术后。医生告诉我臭臭还能活半年。

After his operation, doctor told me Chou Chou still had half year to live.

 

wǒ zhēn de yǐwéi tā néng huó bànnián ne。 dàn zhǐyǒu liǎng gè yuè, wǒ de chòu chòu jiù zǒu le。

我真的以为他能活半年呢。但只有两个月,我的臭臭就走了。

I did believe that he still could live for that long. However, only two months later, my Chou Chou left.

 

 

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