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A Chinese article that can make a stone cry – 永失我爱 (11)

Posted by Grace Feng on February 20, 2012

A Chinese article that can make a stone cry (11)This article was first posted on a Chinese forum 网易(wǎng yì) by writer “春儿(chūn r)” some years ago. It was so touching and well written that people started to share it across the web.

The original article is about 10824 character long. I’ll post them in a series of posts with pinyin annotation and my own English translation. An online radio recording by 晓风(xiǎo fēng) from www.1ting.com is also placed at the beginning of each post. Please be aware that the recording has slight changes in wording here and there compared to the original article. The recording has been split into smaller parts to align with the length of each post.

Feel free to drop your comments along your reading. If you have questions, I’ll try my best to respond within 24 hours.

 

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yǒng shī wǒ ài

永失我爱 (11)

My Love Lost Forever

 

chūn r

春儿

 

dì’èrtiān wǎnshang, wǒ dúzì bèi zhe wǒ de chòu chòu。 duǒkāi le qīnrén。

第二天晚上,我独自背着我的臭臭。躲开了亲人。

The next night, I took Chou Chou on my back, hided away from my family.

 

wǒ bèi zhe tā zǒu zài wǔyè ānjìng de chéngshì lǐ。 yīzhí zǒu zhe, lèi le jiù xiūxi, kě le jiù mǎi píng shuǐ。

我背着他走在午夜安静的城市里。一直走着,累了就休息,渴了就买瓶水。

I walked in the quiet midnight city carrying my child on my back. I kept walking, took a break when tired, bought some water when thirsty.

 

wǒ bù zhīdào yào dài tā qù nǎlǐ, yě bùzàihu qù nǎlǐ。

我不知道要带他去哪里,也不在乎去哪里。

I didn’t know where I could bring him to, I didn’t care either.

 

wǒ zhǐ zhīdào wǒ yào bèi zhe tā zǒu。 wǒ yào hé tā zàiyīqǐ。

我只知道我要背着他走。我要和他在一起。

All I knew was I wanted to carry him on my back, I wanted to be with him.

 

lùshang, wǒ bào zhe wǒ de chòu chòu wèn tā:“ chòu chòu, māma ài nǐ, nǐ zhīdào ma?”

路上,我抱着我的臭臭问他:“臭臭,妈妈爱你,你知道吗?”

On the way, I asked Chou Chou while holding him:”Chou Chou, Mommy loves you, do you know that?”

 

chòu chòu shuō:“ zhīdào。”

臭臭说:“知道。”

Chou Chou said:” Yes, I know.”

 

wǒ liú zhe lèi:“ chòu chòu, māma ài nǐ, bùguǎn māma zěnme zuò, nǐ yào zhīdào māma shì ài nǐ de。”

我流着泪:“臭臭,妈妈爱你,不管妈妈怎么做,你要知道妈妈是爱你的。”

I said again in tears:”Chou Chou, Mommy loves you . No matter what Mommy did, you have to know that Mommy do love you.”

 

chòu chòu huídá wǒ:“ zhīdào。”

臭臭回答我:“知道。”

Chou Chou answered:” I know.”

 

wǒ wèn tā:“ chòu chòu, nǐ lái shì hái zuò wǒ de érzi hǎo ma?”

我问他:“臭臭,你来世还做我的儿子好吗?”

I asked him once again:”Chou Chou, be Mommy’s son again in our next life OK?”

 

wǒ de chòu chòu, shénme huà dōu huídá de chòu chòu què shénme yě méi shuō。 wǒ de lèishuǐ dī dàoliǎo tā de liǎn shàng。

我的臭臭,什么话都回答的臭臭却什么也没说。我的泪水滴到了他的脸上。

My Chou Chou, the Chou Chou that answered anything I asked, didn’t say a word. My tears dropped onto his face.

 

rìzi yī tiāntiān de guò, wǒ hái bào zhe yī sī de huànxiǎng hé xīwàng。

日子一天天的过,我还抱着一丝的幻想和希望。

Time passed. I was still holding on to the tiny little wish and hope.

 

yěxǔ shì wù zhěn, huòxǔ huì gàihuà。 yěxǔ zhè yīqiè dōu shì mènghuàn。

也许是误诊,或许会钙化。也许这一切都是梦幻。

Maybe it was misdiagnosed, maybe the tumor would be calcified. Maybe the whole thing was just a dream.

 

yúshì, wǒ kǒngjù de kāishǐ yī tiāntiān de guānchá wǒ de háizi, tā de zuǒ yǎn yǐjīng shī míngliǎo。

于是,我恐惧的开始一天天的观察我的孩子,他的左眼已经失明了。

Then I started to observe my child with fears. His left eye had gone blind.

 

dàn hái kànbuchū lái, yǎn lǐ zhǐshì hóng hóng de, hòulái jiù xiāo le。

但还看不出来,眼里只是红红的,后来就消了。

But it was not obvious, his eye was just red. Then the redness disappeared.

 

dàn jiànjiàn de běnlái shì hēisè de yǎn rén biànchéng le huīsè。

但渐渐的本来是黑色的眼仁变成了灰色。

But slowly the black pupil turned grey.

 

zài nà yī nián lǐ。 wǒ měitiān zǎochén dìyī jiàn shì jiùshì kàn háizi de yǎnjing。 wǒ tíxīndiàodǎn de kàn zhe tā

在那一年里。我每天早晨第一件事就是看孩子的眼睛我提心吊胆的看着他

zhēngkāi yǎnjing。

睁开眼睛。

In that whole year, the very first thing I did every morning was to check my child’s eyes. I watched him to open his eyes nervously.

 

rúguǒ, tā xiàng wǒ wēixiào, rúguǒ, tā qīngcuì de hǎn wǒ māma, wǒ de yī tiān jiù huì hěn qīngsōng hěn yúkuài

如果,他向我微笑,如果,他清脆的喊我妈妈, 我的一天就会很轻松很愉快

de dùguò

的渡过

If he smiled at me, if he called me Mommy in a agile voice, my whole day would go through happily.

 

dàn gèngduō de shíhou tā zǒngshì zhòu zhe xiǎoxiǎo de méitóu, bìzhe yǎnjing lài zài wǒ de huáilǐ gàosu wǒ:“ mā

但更多的时候他总是皱着小小的眉头,闭着眼睛赖在我的怀里告诉我:“妈

ma, wǒ nánshòu。”

妈,我难受。”

But more often than not, he was just frowning, sitting cradled in my arms with eyes closed and said: “Mommy, I’m not comfortable.”

 

ránhòu bùtíng de fānzhuǎn tā xiǎoxiǎo de shēntǐ。

然后不停的翻转他小小的身体。

Then turned his little body from side to side.

 

měidāng zhèshí, wǒ de xīn jiù jǐnsuō zàiyīqǐ。 wǒ néng zuò de zhǐshì bào zhe tā, jǐnjǐn de bào zhe tā。

每当这时,我的心就紧缩在一起我能做的只是抱着他,紧紧的抱着他。

Whenever a time like this, my heart was tightened. All I could do was holding him, holding him tightly.

 

xīwàng zhèyàng néng jiǎnshǎo tā de téngtòng。 xīwàng néng bǎ tā suǒyǒu de téngtòng dōu xīfù dào wǒ de shēnshang。

希望这样能减少他的疼痛。希望能把他所有的疼痛都吸附到我的身上。

I hoped I could alleviate his pain like this. I wished I could absorb all the pain from his body to mine by holding him like this.

 

wǒ bùtíng de gàosu tā:“ chòu chòu, māma zài zhèlǐ ne。 bùpà, māma zài ne。 māma bào zhe nǐ ne。”

我不停的告诉他:“臭臭,妈妈在这里呢。不怕,妈妈在呢。妈妈抱着你呢。”

ránhòu ràng tā zài wǒ de lèishuǐ hé gēshēng zhōng hūnshuì。

然后让他在我的泪水和歌声中昏睡。

I kept telling him: “Chou Chou, Mommy is here. Don’t be scared, Mommy is here. Mommy is holding you now.” Then he would fall into sleep in my tears and lullaby.

 

 

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